


If We Survive, It Will Be A New Life

by Twisted_and_shout



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Child Death, Death, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manipulative Dumbledore, Mental Instability, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, War, he's not evil - just trying to win the war and using people as he sees fit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2018-12-15 09:59:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11803713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twisted_and_shout/pseuds/Twisted_and_shout
Summary: What if, instead of strutting into his enemies’ house, Lord Voldemort decided to just eliminate the threat posed by the child and be done with it?A world where Harry Potter doesn’t survive, but his parents do. How can they cope? Who will help them and what new alliances and balances will form?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so, I decided it would be interesting to see what happened if I let Harry be killed as a child.  
> It resulted in a fic longer than I originally thought, and my first ever published thing with chapters, so I have no idea of how often I'm going to update or how long it's going to take as a whole. But I've got a lot sketched out, so that's something, right?
> 
> WARNING: this happens during war time, and really, it starts with the death of a child, so please understand that violence is practically a given. I'll add tags as I go, but if I forget something please tell me.
> 
> Not beta'd and English is not my first language, so all mistakes are mine but please point them out.

 

The Dark Lord knew where they were hiding.

His servant had told him, and he’d raided the rat’s mind to be sure, the pathetic man still whimpering on the floor.

He’d thought about taking down the house with everyone in it, or striding through the front door and tear through the Blood-traitor and the Mudblood if they foolishly tried to stop him. But he liked his new plan better. After all, the only important thing was eliminating the child.

With a feeling of glee, the Dark Lord was gone in a twist of black smoke.

* * *

James and Lily were curled up against each other on the sofa downstairs, Harry tucked in for the night in his room.

They felt about ready to drift off to sleep themselves when they heard it.

A sound like a window being opened.

They looked at each other, not daring to move, straining their ears.

Then the pulse of magic.

The unmistakable cold, slimy, rattling feeling that they’d come to associate with the Killing Curse.

They were upstairs in seconds, but they were too late.

Their precious child was still in his cot hugging his teddy bear, but staring blankly at the ceiling.

James heart shattered looking at his son, then again as Lily crumpled to the floor with a wail of agony.

He was still frozen in the doorway while she crawled across the nursery’s floor towards the cot, still crying in an almost inhuman way.

When she reached inside with trembling hands, lifting their unmoving baby to her chest, James broke. Tears streamed down his face and he took the three steps that separated him from his wife.

They stayed huddled on the floor, Lily clutching Harry in her arms, kissing his face and pleading him to wake up, James holding both of them in an embrace that was probably too tight.

Silent tears ran down his cheeks as she cried for them both, shouting their sorrow and denial into the night, demanding that whoever was up there gave them back their child.

There was no answer and Harry remained still.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back already! Seeing people interested in this story really made me want to write the new chapter soon, and luckily inspiration was on my side. So thank you all for reading this!  
> Now, about the story: POV will shift as it follows different characters, but it's not a paragraph to paragraph shift, more like half chapters. Don't know if I should tag it somehow. Let me know, please?
> 
> Well, on with it!

 

While Lily continued to wail in his arms, part of James couldn't help but think why it was happening, when and how had things gone so wrong.

Then it hit him. 

They should have been secure. They should have been safe. That’s why they had a Secret Keeper for their location. But they hadn’t been, and it meant that the Secret had been revealed.

Their Secret Keeper had betrayed them. _Peter_ had betrayed them.

A fury unlike any James had ever felt came over him.

Slowly, as not to jostle Lily, he unwinded himself from where he’d been kneeling clutching his sobbing wife.

As soon as he got to his feet, however, he could no longer wait: he marched out of the room, pounded down the stairs, nearly breaking into a run to get out of the house and the anti-Apparition wards.

Peter had betrayed them. Peter was going to pay.

Luckily, James knew the perfect dog to track down his vermin of a “friend”.

Simmering in hurt and wrath, James thought of Sirius and Apparated away.

After he left, the cries coming from the house slowly died down.

* * *

When Severus Snape arrived at Godric’s Hollow he was met by deathly silence.

He immediately tensed.

He’d known he wouldn't happen upon a joyous occurrence, still he felt his blood run cold at the eerie feeling of doom that the house emanated.

Fear crept up his spine. Though logic suggested that the Dark Lord would have bragged about all the deaths he had caused, had he taken out more than just the child, Severus couldn't help but dread the sight that might greet him.

As he stepped onto the porch, hand posed at the doorknob holding his breath, he remembered how earlier that night burning had shot up his left forearm.

Answering his Master’s call, he’d Apparated to an enormous room and was surprised to find it full to the brim with Death Eaters, some in masks and hoods, some in their nightgowns.

On a raised stage at the end of the room were the Dark Lord himself with _Pettigrew_ on his left, hunched and squirming but seemingly pleased with himself, and Bellatrix on his right, who appeared unable to contain her glee as she grinned and bounced from foot to foot in a half dance.

“My dear, precious Death Eaters,” as the Dark Lord began, the crowd hushed down, “rejoice, for tonight is a night of victory!” Confused clapping followed. There hadn’t been missions planned for the night, as far as most knew. Severus’s dread grew.

“There is a _prophecy_ ” the Dark Lord spat, and Severus felt frozen on spot “that states that someone was born to stop me.” The noises of outrage and incredulity were quieted down by Lord Voldemort outstretched hand. “Fear not, for despite its ridiculousness this potential ‘threat’ has been looked into. Only two people could have been my potential ‘rival’,” sarcasm dripped from every word related to the divination, “and one has already died at my wand.”

A glint of deranged joy entered the Dark Lord’s eyes and laugh entered his voice. “The young Potter is no more!”

The room erupted in cries of jubilation, and now that the news had been shared Bellatrix clearly felt no more need for restraint, jumping and twirling around cackling madly.

Severus felt sick.

He wondered how many of the presents understood they were celebrating the murder of an infant. Not that they spared children often these days, but it usually was part of some bigger operation.

However, it wasn’t as if Severus particularly cared about the baby, even if a small part of him recognized him as also Lily’s.

He had begged his Master to spare her, but Voldemort was especially prone to unpredictability and viciousness.

He’d had to beg his _other master_ to hide her, as to rely on the Dark Lord’s mercy only as a fail safe.

It seemed it was time to see if he really had no luck at all.

Around him the Death Eaters were planning on celebrations, splitting in smaller groups, some of them surrounding Pettigrew as his role as informant had been revealed and praised.

The bitter irony wasn’t lost on Severus, how the previous friend of Potter had sold them out while he himself had tried to protect them, though it had only been because of Lily.

And now it could have been all for nothing.

He had to check on her.

Severus said a brief thank in his head that no one ever expected exceptional or even standard emotional reactions from him, and that he had perfected his blank mask so much that it hardly ever slipped even without his conscious control. He let that thought curl his lip a little upward as he willed himself to continue playing his part until he was far enough from that nest of snakes, even with worry eating at him from the inside.

He swept his eyes over the room, seeing groups leaving among raucous laughter, some already with summoned bottles in their hands. Until he met the Dark Lord's penetrating gaze.

Severus held it, without defiance, face blank but mind set to an appearance of complete openness. As he felt no prodding, he bowed deeply to his Lord before turning to leave, reaching a bit of a clearer area to Apparate away.

He felt eyes on himself, but he was used to it. No one trusted him. As long as he kept his guard up and managed to stay in Lord Voldemort’s good graces, though, he was as secure as one could get during the war.

 

And now here he was, standing at the door of his school tormentor, praying that the woman he loved wasn’t dead alongside her child. 

He drew a breath and stepped in, wand at the ready.

The house was plunged in darkness, the dying embers of the fire in the hearth and the green-greyish glow of the Mark floating outside the only sources of light.

The spectrality of the scene was emphasized by the lived-in look of the seemingly empty house. Books and papers scattered around, glasses on the coffee table, photos smiling from the walls and a pile of toys in a corner of the living room. Shadows danced around in the silence as the incorporeal snake outside twisted on itself.

Carefully, Severus took to the stairs.

As he reached the first floor, he stopped to study the sniffling mass he could see through an open doorway.

He really was only giving himself time for the truth to sink in, because despite the dim light there was no mistaking the form in front of him.

He’d looked at her for too long in the past not to recognize her at first sight, even crumpled on the floor, the cascade of her vermilion hair – turned ashen by the light filtering through the window – obscuring her face and… the child she held to her chest.

Severus stumbled forward and clutched the door frame, relief and anguish and concern at war in his heart.

He had apparently made enough noise to startle her because she looked his way, tightening her hold out of fear and protectiveness.

Their gazes locked.

Dry lips cracked as they parted to let a rasp out. “Sev?”

Severus felt his heart break a little when her voice did.

He’d never seen such a devastation in her eyes. Not when her hideous sister shunned her, not the one time she’d discovered his father had made his ribs bruise enough that sitting and breathing together felt like hell. Not when a prank from the Marauders left him bloodied, not when he told her he’d maybe managed a tentative new friendship, with wanna-be Death Eaters. Even when he’d spat the one word that he never could forgive himself for had she looked like this: she’d been deeply hurt, and angered, but firm, determined, a fire smouldering in her gaze, ready to lash out every moment in an inferno of piercing emerald and flowing, wild red.

Now she looked… broken.

Eyes swollen and moist, tear streaks down the cheeks that the eerie light made seem more hollow than they should be.

“’M here, Lils.”

The whisper left Severus without his conscious permission. It was just a mix of old habits coming together with a new (old as their friendship) need to protect, comfort, be there for the other.

He saw fear leave her eyes at that, and sorrow take over anew.

He rushed to her and she fell against his side just as he was kneeling, as if she couldn't physically support herself anymore now that she didn’t feel threatened.

She started sobbing again, burying her head against his neck and gripping his robes with one shaking hand.

Severus wanted to feel elated at the closeness, the contact, the trust, but how could he when she was so distraught?

He hugged her tight, ran a hand through her hair in an attempt to soothe her a little, murmured nonsense to her, even hummed under his breath. Then he made the mistake to look down.

Green eyes were staring at him, the same emerald he loved so much and still saw in his dreams was glazed over, unblinking, lost forever.

Severus felt chill down to his core as he got his first good look at Harry Potter’s face.

The little boy did resemble his father, but baby fat smoothed the lines and the similarities, and the eyes were all Lily's. Severus was sure those eyes would haunt his nightmares from then on, Lily’s vibrant green devoid of life.

He tore his gaze away and hid his face in Lily’s hair, holding her closer still, never wanting to let her go, needing to feel her shake and weep just to assure himself she was still alive.

That was the important thing, he tried to remind himself. He’d wanted her to be spared and she’d been. He was sorry for the child’s death but there was nothing he could do. He instead could be there for her. Being with her was good, despite the circumstances. He wondered if it was going to last, that closeness.

He wondered where the hell Potter was.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: there's blood in this chapter, not much, but anyway. Also, very very brief and not really descriptive moment of panic, so here's a little heads up.
> 
> Let's get this thing going, so you can all meet paranoid!Severus (but also a bunch of different sides to him) and a new POV

Severus lost track of time.

He knew they weren’t safe there. He knew he should move, make a plan, find a place where Lily could be secure.

He couldn't bring himself to care, he couldn't let her go.

He just stayed there, hugging her, as if she was precious, fragile and risked breaking if he stopped holding her. It didn’t feel far from the truth.

Suddenly he heard the front door opening.

Severus reverted back to his standard high-alert state.

One person in the house, running through the main room.

Noises outside, mostly covered by the loud thumping of person number one. Noises like talking, so at least two people in the courtyard. Possible problem for a retreat through the window.

Person number one speeding up the stairs. 3-5 seconds to confrontation.

Severus cursed under his breath and mentally berated himself for not putting wards up.

Yes, the house was still covered in anti-Muggle charms – he had felt them when he’d Apparated to the lawn – and he was grateful for them, otherwise Muggle authorities would be swarming the place asking where the (clearly not regulatory) “firework” hovering in the sky came from.

But with the magical protection of the Secret broken, there was no telling who, wizard or witch, could be coming.

Severus drew his wand and pointed it at the door just as the sound grew nearer.

And then he was holding at wandpoint none other than one James Potter, panting and bemused.

Severus didn’t lower his wand.

Not only because he wouldn't trust Potter with… with anything, really. The man hadn’t even been around for Lily when Severus had arrived, and she was the woman the jerk was _so_ in love with and had married. What if it had been someone who meant harm? Where had Potter been?

And what in Merlin’s name had he been _doing_?!

Potter’s head and face were covered in blood, some of it staining the Muggle hoodie he was wearing, some of it on his hands and wrists. 

That was definitely reason number two to keep his wand aimed: he wouldn't let anyone with wild eyes and covered in gore come near Lily.

And Potter was studying him, now that he was a little less frantic, and it was clear he didn’t like him there. In his house? With his wife? Hard to tell. _Tough luck, Potter, you should have been here if you didn’t want it to happen._

No one was moving, the only sounds Lily’s sniffs and the hushed noises outside.

But something had to give and it all came down to Lily’s whispered “cold” muffled in Severus’s robes.

“Sev?” she asked lifting her face to see where his other arm had gone since it had stopped holding her.

Her eyes were a bit glazed over as they met James’s. She shivered and mumbled his name.

The man at the door visibly lost the most of his tension, though none of his worry.

“’M here, Lils” he croaked out.

Severus felt like he had been slapped. 

Why would Potter say that? What was his plan? But there was no way the man could know that Severus himself had answered the same when Lily had called for him. It had to be a stupid coincidence, even though he didn’t exactly believe in them.

As Lily called out to her husband again, Potter took a small step into the room.

Severus’s eyes narrowed and his grip on his wand tightened. Potter saw all of it and met his gaze. He was determined, you could read it on his face. He’d get to Lily or die trying.

Severus would have been more than happy to help him with the latter, but Lily’s trembling was getting worse, and if she… if she really wanted the jerk there for comfort, he wouldn't deny her.

He lowered his wand.

Surprise flickered on Potter’s face, but then he was moving into the room and kneeling at his wife unoccupied side, hovering, unsure on how to proceed.

Sighing, Severus helped Lily turn and gently manoeuvred her into a somewhat comfortable position against his school nemesis’ front. His heart clenched, but he’d taken his decisions in the past and she’d taken hers. He knew, now more than ever, he had no place at her side, he could only hope to keep her safe from within the shadows.

He’d just… go now. He didn’t know where, but away from the smug sneer he was sure was plastered on bloody Potter’s ugly mug.

But as he turned and began to rise, something tugged him back.

He looked down at his chest only to find Lily’s hand still clutching his robes.

His gaze followed uncomprehendingly her arm to where her face was buried in Potter’s hoodie (a clean spot, thankfully). A muffled, shaky “cold” reached his ears.

Baffled, dazed, he made the mistake of lifting his gaze in search of an explanation, only to meet Potter’s eyes.

He didn’t find smugness there. Nor, surprisingly, anger. Potter looked stunned. Severus’s brain was working a mile a minute but coming up with no answers.

Again the stand-still was broken by Lily’s whimper.

Moving as one, the two men helped her getting settled between them.

Neither was happy with the situation: they were too close, their arms touched lightly as each hugged the woman that meant so much to both. But as she calmed down, they knew they’d done the right thing and settled to endure.

Severus was feeling… extremely conflicted.

Lily’s warmth was seeping against his front, the areas soaked by her tears almost burning. She was still in his arms, but also in Potter’s. If she needed more from him, could he give it to her? If she needed more soothing, would he sink as low as to hum in front of the man who had tormented him just for existing? He wanted to help her, but he didn’t know what to do.

His whirring thoughts came to an abrupt halt as a howl sounded from the lawn.

Every muscle in his body locked and panic threatened to mount as he remembered exactly what company Potter kept. 

_Howling, moonlight, earth and sweat, fangs, fear, Potter, run runrunrun…_

Pain jolted him out of his mind and he drew a ragged breath, surprised to find his lungs empty and Potter squeezing his arm. That explained the pain.

The hold slackened as soon as Potter saw something in his face (Severus would bet on the return of rational thought). Now he just wished the man let go and stopped staring.

“It’s not…” Potter had to clear his throat as his words came out too hoarse, and he finally tore away his gaze at what they both knew he was referring to. “It’s just Sirius.”

Severus blinked. Animagus. It made sense, it was something he had speculated about.

And right, the moon was at a quarter.

Not that he kept tabs or anything. Well, not for lingering fear. For strategical purposes in the war. Yes.

“Ok... And, Potter? Do you mind?” he looked pointedly at the hand still on his bicep.

Hazel eyes locked on the hand, too, as if Potter hadn’t realized where his limb was without looking. Dumb Gryffindor.

Then his lips quirked a little up. Oh no, nothing good ever came from Potter smirking.

“Not at all.”

And just like that Severus’s arm was free. Only, _he_ wasn’t.

The jerk had brought his hand to his shoulders and tugged him forward. Severus was now draped completely over Lily, his head on top of hers, practically nestled in the other man’s neck. He was held in place by the limb across his upper back.

... _Why_? What was the insufferable Gryffindor’s game?

As the hand on his back began lightly tracing circles, Severus tried to recall the last time he’d been hugged. He almost drew a blank, but a very young Lily sprang into his mind.

He heaved a sigh and tried to relax. He didn’t want to fight and upset Lily more. He could pretend it wasn’t Potter hugging him.

As he let go of some tension, he felt Potter take a sharp breath and then relax some too.

Uh. So Potter hadn’t been sure of what he’d been doing, had feared his reaction. And had been right to: hadn’t it been for Lily, a punch in the face would have been the very least.

Was he using her as a shield to get to him? Severus hoped it wasn’t the case, for the man’s own health.

Still, he wouldn't give him anymore satisfaction.

Decided to ignore Potter and not to squirm, Severus settled in the strange embrace.

* * *

Remus sat on the grass, holding Padfoot in his arms as he howled.

After doing what they’d gone to the seedier streets of London for, James had been frantic to return home to Lily.

They’d had to stop him from Apparating straight away, from where they’d been or from the middle of the street, marching him someplace safe, hoods hiding their faces and hands in their pockets.

They’d finally reached an anonymous dark alley and by then James had calmed down enough to manage Side-along them to the house without anyone Splinching.

He’d then run inside.

Remus and Sirius had been unsecure about following, but the latter had talked first.

“You think she’s alright?”

Remus had sighed. “Hard to tell with the whole...” he’d trailed off and gestured to the ominous Mark over the house instead.

Sirius had looked too and his eyes had welled up with the tears he still hadn’t allowed himself.

“Harry...” he’d whimpered and broken down into quiet sobs as he fell to the ground.

Remus had felt tears in his eyes, too, but now it was not the time. He knew he had to take care of his pack first, what was left of it anyway.

He knelt by Sirius and hugged him, however… he wouldn't shush him.

“Let it all go. Let it all out.” he murmured in his ear and suddenly his face was pressed in black fur, the massive dog in his arms weeping and howling his sorrow into the night. No demand for propriety hammered in his head, no need to be cool itching under his skin. Just an explosion of utter grief, for their pack, for their _cub_.

Remus held on tighter and didn’t let go even when the howls decreased in favour of more quiet weeping or when the form in his arms shifted and hugged him back.

He realized the tears slowly freezing on his cheeks as Sirius nuzzled him at a certain point. No matter, it was bound to happen. He’d still be strong for them all.

* * *

As the first hues of dawn filtered through the window, James’s knees were killing him.

Lily’s breath had evened out, Snape seemed calm and the lawn was quiet.

Still, they had to go.

He slowly broke the embrace, but as soon as his hand left the other man’s back black eyes were on his. He cleared his throat.

“We should leave. I’ll tell Remus and Sirius to help me gather things.”

Snape nodded and continued holding Lily, who was growing agitated as James’s warmth left her.

He hovered nearby as she started mumbling incoherently and then sobbing, despite Snape’s rocking and shushing.

It wasn’t a sight he wanted to witness, but he couldn't look away as his wife, still holding their dead child, cried without words, only anguish clear in her.

“Potter”

He was snapped out of his stupor and Snape continued.

“Go. She can’t stay here.”

James still looked at his wife, unconvinced.

“Go. I’ve got this until you come back.” What? He met Snape gaze. “I promise you. For her.” The Slytherin was so solemn saying that James felt inclined to believe him.

He nodded and turned to leave.

He had tormented Snape for many years at Hogwarts, he’d practically kept tabs on him, and never once had he hurt Lily intentionally, James knew that. And now Lily had wanted them both close, it had to mean something. What really, he didn’t know. For now it meant he could leave her with the man.

He was needed elsewhere. For her.

 

James was still thinking along those lines as he went out.

His friends were wrapped around each other on the grass.

In his head James thanked their thick hoodies, magic and Remus’s supernatural high temperature. He didn’t need dealing with hypothermia on top of everything else.

He told them to come in.

Remus looked up at him. “Lily?”

They’d all heard her hushed cries stop.

“She’s safe.” _Was she?_ “There’s someone with her.”

Two pairs of narrowed eyes were on him. “Who?”

No point in lying. “...Snape.”

“WHAT- ?!?” Sirius was up to his feet and ready for a screaming match, but James cut over him.

“He was here when we got back. If he’d wanted to harm her he’d have already done so. I left her alone. I came back and he was protecting her. I won’t ignore everything else, but I won’t ignore tonight either.”

Though his tone was final, he still waited for his friends’ answers.

Sirius was grinding his teeth and seemed ready to explode, but Remus was studying him. Though the brown haired man was still seated on the grass, James felt much smaller than him.

Finally the werewolf nodded.

“Alright” and he stood.

“Wha-” Sirius’s outrage was once more cut short, this time by Remus.

“Let’s get cleaned up, then we’d better leave. This place’s no longer protected.”

And they all knew why.

Remus waved his wand and removed blood, dirt and grass stains from the three of them.

When they all shuffled back in, they were met by the sight of Snape on the sofa hugging one Lily that had evidently succumbed to exhaustion. Harry wasn’t there.

James didn’t want to speculate on what exactly had been the dynamic in the minutes he'd been gone. Lily was asleep, not panicking and not holding their dead boy like crazy. He felt like shit, but he’d get what he could now.

Sirius and Snape glared coldly at each other.

James was too drained for this. He waved his hand in the air to diffuse the tension.

“Just help me pack, Pads, please.”

Sirius tore his eyes from the sofa, sighed and nodded.

James nodded back his thanks and started towards the kitchen.

He heard some shifting at his back, then two pair of steps going up the stairs.

_Merlin._

He closed his eyes.

He had to be the worst friend ever, and probably the worst husband and parent too, for wanting someone else to deal with the situation upstairs. But he couldn't breathe if he thought about it.

When he finally forced himself to the upper floor, Remus and Sirius were shrinking things in his and Lily’s bedroom and bathroom.

Harry’s room was untouched, but he and his teddy were gone.

The window was still open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explanations will come, about the blood and the disappearance and whatever. It's just that, following characters' POVs, we'll have to wait till _they_ get an explanation for things they don't know.  
>  I just wanted to make one thing clear: if someone's confirmed dead, they're dead, no coming back. Sorry Harry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, though I'm not completely happy with this chapter, mostly because I'd written the main part of it months ago and now that I've gone over it again I'm unsure of the flow.
> 
> Anyway, here comes Dumbledore! Who might come across as an ass, **but** I'd say that's mostly because of the POV (he's not **bad** , I've just drawn him that way). So the addition to the tags.

They moved out that morning.

The location wasn’t safe anymore and James personally didn’t think Lily could have taken it had they stayed. She had woken up halfway through the packing and she’d wandered back to the nursery, standing in the doorway and staring at the empty cot. James didn’t pack anything that had been in that room.

Snape had left early, with a muttered “I’ll speak to Dumbledore” before Apparating away.

Now the four of them were seated in Remus’s rundown cottage in the middle of nowhere, nursing mugs of steaming tea that could not really warm them.

They were all lost in their thoughts until the wards fluttered slightly and they heard someone knocking.

Three pairs of eyes flew to the entrance and three wands were drawn, while Lily didn’t make any move to indicate she’d felt or heard anything.

Sirius stalked to the door silently, staying mostly clear of the frame while peering outside through the one way glass.

He sighed and relaxed, reholstering his wand and opening the door. Dumbledore strode in in lavender robes that James was grateful weren’t glittery. On his heels came one Severus Snape.

Sirius perched back on the arm of the fluffy chair Remus was seated in, while the werewolf conjured some other tea for his new guests.

Snape slotted himself on the other side of Lily on the sofa across form James, placing a hand on hers for a moment. When she continued staring at her mug, he took his hand away. A younger James would have rejoiced at the sight, but he felt incredibly old today, and it just saddened him more.

“Ah boys, Lily,” Dumbledore began, still standing by the coffee table “I’m so sorry for your loss. Severus here told me what happened. I’m terribly, terribly sorry we couldn't do more for you.”

“ _How_ did he know what happened?” came acidly from Sirius.

“Because the Dark Lord likes to gloat, Black” was the barked reply.

“Now, now, boys, no need to argue. Severus has been our spy among the Death Eaters for a while, Sirius, and I have every reason to believe his loyalty is still with the Light.” Dumbledore’s tone was placating but James felt a steely undercurrent in it. Oh well, maybe he was just trying to get his point across faster. Wait, _a spy for the Light?_ Since when? _Why?_

“Besides, I was informed that it is Peter who has betrayed you and our side. I fear what else he could do knowing us from within as it is.”

“Fear not. He’s no longer a threat.”

Silence followed Remus’s words.

James thought he was doing a great job at not breathing.

Dumbledore was staring straight at Remus, his expression a mix of worry and consideration. 

“How?”, the single word making the air even heavier.

After what felt like ages Remus shifted lightly in his chair, heaved a sigh and said without looking up: “I’ll report later the details. But he’s no longer a threat and nothing relevant is traceable back to us.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, Dumbledore inclined his head. “I see. I expect those details very soon.”

James tuned out momentarily what the old wizard was saying about the Order’s solidarity and the next step to take, in favour of gulping down some much needed air.

Most of that tension gone, he still felt under scrutiny, and sure enough when he turned towards the other end of the sofa was to find Snape studying him, gaze shifting from his face to his hands and then back. At that James itched to scrub his skin, even knowing there was no more blood on his person.

He forced his hands to stay still and his attention back to Dumbledore.

Apparently now the focus was on the Longbottom family. Their security was top priority for the Order at the moment, because they were likely target number one for the Death Eaters. _Now that Harry’s dead_ went unsaid.

“Alice...” Lily’s voice was but a soft breath and still commanded attention from everyone in the room.

She and Alice had been good enough friends while in Hogwarts and had grown closer after it, something to do with the war of all things, and how determinate they both were to do their best to win it. James knew that becoming pregnant had only made them even more set in the need for fighting for a better world, a world in which their children could grow up free, playing together without fear.

“Is there anything we can do?” asked Lily, her nearly emotionless tone making James want to hold her and cry. All morning she’d been silent, staring into space, and he’d mostly let her be because… honestly, it pained him so much seeing her like that, broken. James told himself that as soon as the situation was more stable he’d help her piece herself back together ( _and maybe she could do the same for him_ ), he just... couldn't do it yet. He felt weak and prayed for some Gryffindor courage to come.

“Actually, there is something that you could help with” and then Dumbledore proceeded detailing some risky mission that James and Lily could take on, while assuring them that he had news also for the investigation Sirius was on and for the issue of werewolves Remus was trying his best with.

James believed for a moment that the old wizard had finally lost his sanity. Or that he was at last paying back the pranksters with the biggest joke of all times.

Everything he was suggesting was incredibly dangerous to begin with, but they were taxed by the long-dragging war and still in shock after last night.

They’d lost their child less than twelve hours ago, Merlin! He wasn’t even buried yet and here Dumbledore was asking them to very probably throw away their lives in something that without the right concentration looked pretty much like some suicide mission.

Then it hit him. He already had his answer.

Who would go on a suicide mission, on _whatever_ mission without protesting if not someone who had nothing left to lose? Someone who would do whatever it took to feel a little more alive and part of something for that moment, telling themselves they did it for the ones left behind?

He supposed he wasn’t being really fair, there really were out there people who’d march to their death for saving others, but it wasn’t what was happening here.

Here they were being played. Their feelings were a lever Dumbledore was taking full advantage of.

He glanced subtly around the room while trying to nod along whatever the old bastard was still droning on about.

Lily though listening seemed to be staring glassily at Dumbledore’s shoulder. James’s heart clenched again seeing her eyes so dull, but he told himself that she would recover and he would help her with it. If they were given time for coming to term with what had happened, that was.

She’d just lost her child after all.

James too had lost his little Harry, but he’d vowed to himself two things.

One, that he’d get revenge for his baby boy. He had already started that with Peter ( _blood, blood, clean it, itches,_ no it’s clean, you’re clean, _am not, blood, drip drip, tear, revenge,_ stop it, it’s done).

And two, that he’d stay strong for his Lily ( _failing, can’t even help, can’t even be there for her, failing her,_ no I won’t, just need time, I’ll make it, we’ll make it).

He wouldn’t break his promise. He wouldn’t break.

Glancing at Remus and Sirius, who were drinking every word that left Dumbedore’s mouth, he grew even more worried. Then again, they may not be as lost as Lily right now, but they were pretty alone anyway.

James had always thought they all had each other. They’d been friends, _pack_ for so long. He thought it meant something. To him it still did.

But he had grown distant, his family taking precedence. He hadn’t seen Peter’s betrayal coming, and now he was wondering if they could have avoided it somehow.

That was a thought for another time.

What mattered now was that, to someone who had been rejected by his family or by the nearly entire wizarding society, their now-not-so-close-as-it-was friendship was probably enough of a reason to go on a risky mission, but not enough to come back from it.

As all these considerations ran through James’s head at lightning speed, his eyes wandered back to Lily and he caught Snape staring at her too from across the sofa.

Snape’s expression was nearly perfectly blank, but his jaw was tense and the hands he pretended to have folded in his lap were white-knuckled, though mostly hidden by his sleeves.

Snape must have felt eyes on him because a moment later he met James’s gaze dead on.

Snape’s mask wasn’t nearly that perfect taking his eyes in, because James saw there worry and anger to match his own. For Lily and her wellbeing. He gave an imperceptible nod in acknowledgement.

Quick as lightning, Snape’s face turned blank with a hint of sneer, and James would have thought he’d imagined their whole exchange, if wasn’t for the fact that the man returned his minimal nod and glanced meaningfully towards Dumbledore for a split second.

The old wizard was apparently reaching a conclusion and asking something along the lines of “what would you like to do now?” that easily translated to “you’re accepting your missions, aren’t you?”

James wouldn’t stand for it.

Before anyone else could answer, he did it for everyone.

“Thank you, professor” and Merlin, how he’d managed those words without sounding fake, he didn’t know. “We’ll report in to help as soon as we can, but I think we should all take a little time to recover.” Well, he’d put it more mildly than what he felt, but it still was true. “Harry –” and here his voice cracked for real, “he’s still… we should… we should do that before everything else.” He’d managed to say the words in his head while angered, but they couldn’t seem to leave his mouth. Saying them aloud would make them too real.

“Of course, my boy, of course, you’re right. We should arrange for that right away, if you would like help, that is.” James felt himself nod mechanically at that. “But remember, there’s still a war out there. Help us save others and stay safe yourselves.” Part of James wanted to punch Dumbledore in the face at that, but he just nodded again.

“All right, I’ll contact you all very soon, but I really must be off now. Severus” and Snape rose gracefully from the sofa to go standing next to Dumbledore, apparently ready to leave when the old man said so. Like a dog told to heel. James felt bile in his throat.

“You should all try to sleep, eat something, and… Have you got any Calming draught?” 

The last had been directed at Remus, who shook his head. “Just one vial left.”

And how worrisome should that “just one left” be, along with the fact that the readiness of the answer made James think that Remus knew how much Calming draught he had at any given moment. Then again, they were at war, but James wondered how he hadn’t noticed anything before.

Dumbledore nodded. “Then I shall have Severus here bring you some more this evening, after some things have been worked out.”

It was clearly an order, though phrased differently.

The wizard in pastel robes wasn’t even concerned with Snape’s opinion, obviously, as he not once glanced at the man for confirmation. He evidently expected him to do whatever he was told.

James had to muse what was the story and the dynamic there, not that he had many illusions about the latter, but the reasons behind it were unclear.

“We shall be off then” Dumbledore was saying, Sirius rising yet again to lead to the door.

As the two were having their last conversation in the entryway, Snape turned back to regard Lily with an unreadable expression. His eyes then shifted to meet James’s and hardened with determination and something else that James could not pinpoint. As the man turned to leave, he wondered for a second if it could have been a sliver of trust. But that shouldn’t be possible. Resignation? Safer bet.

Feeling eyes on him as the door closed, James turned to meet Remus’s gaze. Brows furrowed, it was clear his friend had seen that last exchange and was trying to make sense of it.

But James couldn't help him. He was unsure himself of what had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone was wondering (and I do know it's improbable, but I thought to tell you anyway), the part _"there really were out there people who’d march to their death for saving others"_ it's kind of me and James tipping our hats to canon-Harry marching into the forest at the end of DH.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, _finally_ it's here. Sorry for the delay, real life decided it was time to throw things at me. _But_ the extra time made for a longer chapter, so there you go.
> 
> Look out for the added tag of **mental instability**. If you think I should add something else or I tagged wrong, please tell me. I just don't want to trigger anyone.

Remus didn’t know what was going on with James and Snape, but then, everything was a mess. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem like a problem (yet, at least), so it was better to focus on the rest.

They all felt pretty lost, but Remus had the excuse of owning the house to impose some practicality.

First he told Sirius to call in sick at the Ministry. People were already suspicious of him ( _hell,_ Remus _had been suspicious of him_ ) without him being absent without notice. But while now Remus was reassured of Sirius’s standing with the Light, the man couldn't very well explain his disappearing from time to time as being on an Order’s mission, as the group was not legally recognized, and even if it was there would be questions about where his ultimate loyalty lay.

Remus was thankful Sirius hadn’t made it out of training yet. Not for lack of trying. Sirius could be wickedly brilliant in duels and years spent sneaking around the school or his own family home when he wasn’t supposed to had ingrained furtiveness in his movements. When he wasn’t doing his big loud oaf thing or claiming the spotlight as if by birthright.

And there lay one of the problems. In the tense climate of war, being a Black was a stigma. Despite everything Sirius had done to distance himself from his family, people talked of how madness ran in their blood, as well as darkness, as testified by the many relatives of Sirius’s who were with Voldemort. So, not much trust was given to the _supposed_ white sheep of the Black family, and if his advancement in the Auror training program could be slowed, it was sure to happen.

But Remus was grateful, because if not being trusted while in training wasn’t good, it still was a hundred times better than not being trusted while out in the field, where having someone to watch your back could be critical, as well as _not_ having someone casting at your back. Yes, because just like Sirius had been accepted in the Auror program despite his uncertain (for other people) alliances, so had many others. The Ministry was desperate for numbers that could measure against those of the Dark Lord and so wasn’t exactly picky. As a result, bad apples were brought in, Aurors couldn't trust their partners and the population could hardly trust the Aurors.

Apparently Sirius was in there to keep an eye on the lower levels for the Order, while Moody concentrated on the higher-ups. It made sense now, especially considering Frank and Alice had had to go into hiding, so Sirius was basically working his way to covering the space they’d vacated. And of course in the Ministry was also Arthur. Remus smirked to himself: it was amazing how much information one could come across while simply looking like a fumbling paper-pusher.

So yes, first thing, Sirius calling in sick. Then send him packing stuff for a couple of days from his flat. They did need to stay close together, but the man could use a toothbrush.

And speaking of staying close, it was time to get James and Lily settled. Remus was glad that his cottage, despite being old and in need of fixing, was decent sized. He’d give his friends the second biggest bedroom, while the third and last one with his old single bed he could offer to Sirius, if he... didn’t want to share with him. They would have to talk a little about it…

Getting back on track, he ushered his friends upstairs so they could unpack and have a moment to themselves if they needed it.

Then, alone, he began revising the wards he had on his house and floo. He didn’t like how easily Snape had come through that morning. Was it because he’d been with Dumbledore? Was it because at that moment Remus had anticipated he might be coming and had trusted him to a minimum? Was it because of a fault in the wards? Remus didn’t know and set to work.

When Sirius came back through the floo, he directed the man to the kitchen to make sandwiches for lunch, hoping that keeping him busy would leave him with little time to get lost in his own head and sorrow. And that the suggestion of sandwiches could spare them food poisoning or a burnt kitchen. Sirius had never much been into cooking, and while being really into eating, he had terrible tastes, as both a man and a dog.

Remus turned back to his wards while praying for reasonable combinations in the sandwiches.

 

Some time later, he put down his wand and rubbed his eyes as Sirius’s call for lunch disrupted the silence in the house.

What he hadn’t anticipated was Lily coming down the stairs looking as lost as hours before, with James trailing gloomily behind her, only for her to light up at the sight of sandwiches.

Her next words, though, crushed his heart.

“Oh, sandwiches! Thanks, Sirius. Have you made any with soft cheese only? They’re Harry’s favourites these days.”

Sirius went very pale, if not a little green.

James drew a sharp breath, then put a hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Lils...”

She was looking around in confusion. “Jay, where’s Harry? Who’s watching him?”

Remus held his breath as Lily was slowly turned around by the hand on her shoulder. “Lils,” James began again only to stop to force a lump down his throat. He gulped down air and finally said “Lils, he’s gone.”

Her eyes went wide, then began darting frantically around. “No, no, where is he, why have you left him alone.” She shook her shoulder free while turning to look everywhere. Her voice was rising and falling with panic, questions losing their interrogative tone. “This isn’t funny, James, where is he. You and your stupid pranks, this isn’t something to play with. Where is Harry, he has to have lunch.”

Everything and everyone was still while Lily whirled around. Remus watched desperately as she worked herself into a frenzy and his friends stood petrified and looking more and more ill. He wanted to crumble on the floor and cry, and howl as Moony was doing in his mind. Instead he stepped forward and grabbed a fine, fair hand in his. Green wide eyes set on him.

“This way” he murmured, then began leading her up the stairs. James and Sirius followed them numbly.

Arriving in front of his old room, Remus wondered if he was doing the right thing. But Lily had never been a fan of hesitation and put a stop to his stalling turning the knob and throwing the door open.

On the bed, wrapped in a protective charm, his teddy under his arm, lay Harry.

Remus heard his friends inhale sharply behind him, Sirius starting to choke on sobs, but his concentration was on Lily, who stared at her child before turning halfway back towards the man that had led her to the room.

“Remus… why is there a charm on him?”

Nothing to do but saying the truth, despite how horrible it was. “Because he’s dead.”

Just like that, Lily broke into hysterics again.

“No! No no no, don’t lie to me, don’t ever say it!” She fisted a hand in his shirt and began thumping on his sternum. Remus nearly wished it hurt, but she had no strength. “Let him up, take off the spell, take it off!!”

She stormed to the bed and began clawing at surface of the charm, trying to get though it, while wiping tears away with her forearms. “Harry, can you hear me? Don’t worry, your mama’s here. Open your eyes for me, Harry, would you? Wake up, wake up...”

Remus watched in a daze as she devolved into wordless crying, and just as a detached part of his brain began to wonder if she could hurt her hands against the spell, from the corner of his eye he saw James sighing, before aiming his wand and stunning his wife. Oh. Well, it worked.

No time to idle. Gathering his strength, Remus spoke again.

“Sirius, would you put her to bed?” Best to have her away from the sight of Harry. And Sirius too, he was holding himself together just barely, he needed something practical to do.

Sirius just nodded and tried to focus only on Lily as he entered the room and lifted her in his arms, though his eyes were drawn to the bed and when he reached the door again in his exit he was more running than walking.

Remus sighed and shuffled inside the room. As he was beside the bed and the little body on it, he turned towards James, who was still by the door.

“I’m sorry.”

James shook his head. He looked terribly old. “She just needs time.” His voice was a rasp and sounded uncertain.

Remus looked down again before saying his next words. “I’m moving him to the small study down the corridor. I was going to anyway, but now more so because we can’t have them losing themselves and their minds in here.”

A sound like a pained grunt tore itself from James, who stepped into the room and clasped a hand on his friend’s shoulder, thanking and comforting and sharing a burden all at the same time.

Both still looking at Harry, Remus forced his throat to work. “Take a shower? It’s not much, but maybe it could help you feel better.”

Dark hair went in every direction as his friend nodded. He squeezed his shoulder once before saying “It’s not your fault” and turning to leave.

“James?” Remus called after him. He stopped in the doorway looking back. “It’s not your fault either.”

The man he knew as strong and proud hunched his back and tucked his chin against his chest. As he began walking once more a whisper reached werewolf’s senses. “You really think so?”

 

Remus felt his eyes prickling as he levitated Harry through the corridor and into the study, but he refused to let tears fall as he went about setting up the space.

As he heard the shower doing its work, he remembered the sandwiches that were still waiting for someone on the kitchen table. He made his way downstairs to put them away: he’d keep them from spoiling and then give them to the others when they regained some appetite. A grumble in his head reminded him he too needed to eat, he’d be useless and a weight if he passed out because of low sugars. Right.

Alone in the kitchen, mind elsewhere, faced with a plate full of sandwiches, Remus swirled his wand. Cast. Then felt very grateful for the small service loo a door away, as he dashed in and emptied his stomach in the toilet. It was the second time he performed that preservation charm that morning, but the first had been hours before and _not on food_. Sprawled on the floor and leaning against cold porcelain, no one around, Remus allowed himself a moment to sob quietly. Then he stood up, flushed the toilet, washed his face, raked a hand through his hair and went back to sandwiches to put away and a pack to keep together.

* * *

They took turns taking showers that afternoon.

When James was finished with his, he went to sit by Lily, nudging Sirius away. He hadn’t thought he’d still be there, but after he’d left he heard his friends talking softly in the corridor and then the shower running. He assumed they were handling it.

Lily woke up some time later. She seemed confused at first. Then her eyes were on him and welled up with tears. “James...” she reached for him and he fell into the embrace. They stayed like that for long. Despite the sorrow, James thanked Merlin that she seemed to knew what was happening. 

They left the room when outside was beginning to darken. As they all sat downstairs, no one felt up to conversation. Remus continued handing everyone tea and sandwiches (though he’d eased them carefully in Lily’s line of sight before deeming it safe and proceeding giving her one to nibble on). James appreciated it, all of it, but his mood was still horrible.

Time crawled by, but much later there was a flutter in the wards.

Everyone looked towards the door, but unlike that morning no knock came. Instead, the pressure in the air grew slightly, as if they stood inside a squishy ball and someone was trying to pierce it, only to have it change shape without breaking.

James looked at Remus, who quirked up his lip. “New wards. You’re all keyed in, as is Dumblebore, but no one else can enter without explicit permission.”

Sirius had reached the door in the meantime. Looking out, he sighed and grumbled “Snivellus.”

As everyone made their way to the entrance, Remus clucked his tongue. “Now, Pads, we knew he was coming. He should be bringing some Calming draught, and we should let him in.” As he reached Sirius, he lowered his voice to whisper in his ear “But keep your wand ready if it makes you feel better. Nothing rush, though.” And opened the door.

Snape stood a good 20 feet away, grass brushing his black robes just beneath his knees and a scowl on his face as he pushed against the shimmering barrier.

“You may come in, Severus” called Remus from the entrance.

Snape sneered as he began walking towards the cottage, the spell allowing him in. “Really, Lupin? All these wards and it only takes the right face to enter? Looks like you never heard of Polyjuice or Imperius.”

“Very well,” Remus was smiling serenely as in a split second he had the point of his wand between Snape’s eyebrows, “then prove you are yourself, Severus.”

Black eyes had widened for an instant as the wood had made contact with the skin, before narrowing again. “Full moon’s on the 12th. I’ve kept count since sixth year.”

Remus inclined his head graciously as he stepped aside to let the other man in, but his hand vibrated with how tight he gripped his wand.

Back in the house, Snape took out a small bag with vials strapped inside. “Calming draught, ten doses. And Dreamless Sleep, six doses.”

“Dreamless Sleep?” James didn’t remember it being mentioned that morning.

“The Headmaster thought I’d better bring whatever may help you get through this night and the next ones” was the drawled answer. It seemed that Snape was determinate to be an ass as usual, but something felt off about him, and James would discover what it was.

Remus kept the conversation going. “Alright, I guess I’ll take a Calming draught, and I’ll suggest one to you, too, Siri. Lily?” Everyone looked at her, but James didn’t let Snape out of his sight. “Would you take Dreamless Sleep?”

Ah, there was Snape’s reaction. Black eyes sharpened as they studied his long lost friend, cataloguing all that could have changed from the last time he’d seen her, searching for any indication as to why the suggestion of such a stronger potion had been made right away. When she merely nodded, hands trembled where they were holding open the pouch.

“Ok.” Remus snatched the three vials from the bag and began ushering Sirius and Lily towards the stairs. “Well, time for us to go to bed. We’ll leave you to pick your poison, Prongs.” Sirius bristled, then settled back down after a murmured “Muggle saying” in his ear. “If you need either me or Sirius, we’ll be in my room, up the stairs then right. Lils, I’ll give you the same room as before. Severus, you can leave the other potions on the kitchen table. Goodnight, gentlemen.”

That left James alone with Snape, an awkward silence stretching between them. 

James took a moment to study the other: better not to start a fight just by saying something that would rile the Slytherin. Snape had his usual blank face with the little sneer he reserved for everyone he felt irritating enough, so probably two thirds of the world on a good day. But… was it just James or the man was paler than usual? And his cheekbones seemed to stand out more, somehow. Nevertheless, no clues on how to have a somewhat civil dialogue.

James cleared his throat. “Er...”

Snape raised an expectant eyebrow.

The Gryffindor exhaled loudly, deflating. “Thanks, I guess.”

A scoff. “I was on orders, Potter. I didn’t do it for you.”

“I know” James lifted a blazing gaze to Snape’s eyes. “I know you’re doing it for Lily, and that you are on orders from Dumbledore. I also know that you weren’t very happy with what he said this morning, neither was I, really. But still you went to him after last night, you’re here now because he said so, and I have to wonder if when he says ‘jump’ you do it right away or ask how high.” He knew he was running his mouth with nearly no control over it. He hadn’t liked how the Headmaster had treated Snape, but the other man was just so insufferable that he’d thrown it in his face without even meaning to.

The sneering increased tenfold. “Ah, and here I expected the wolf to be the one most capable of complex thought, but apparently he’s too busy eating up whatever half truths Dumbledore throws at him.”

Fuck. If there was someone who’d _really_ ask how high to jump if ordered by the Headmaster, that was Remus. “Yeah, er, well… Remus has a brilliant mind when he applies himself to something, but I suppose it’s difficult to critique someone you feel indebted to. You know, because of… you know.”

“I know all too well, I don’t think I’ll ever forget.”

James cringed. Snape went on.

“Still, it surprised me this morning when you were the one able to assess the situation, evaluating the consequences of actions you or others may take and the likely repercussions on everyone’s health and mental stability.”

“Er...” James wanted to add ‘thanks’ but it didn’t feel like he was being praised, though the wording could make you think that.

“It makes me wonder if it’s an ability you acquired after graduating or if you possessed it throughout our school years but only saw fit to apply to your lot.”

Onyx eyes were burning when they pinned James on the spot, but he felt himself freeze.

Ah, so _that_ was where that convoluted conversation was heading. James had expected something like that to happen, after all recent events didn’t erase past ones, and they all were too confrontational to let it slide for long. It still wasn’t pleasant, and the Gryffindor was at a loss on how to respond. Oh well, exhaustion didn’t make for great speeches, nor for guarded ones, so out with whatever he felt it was.

“I’m sorry, Snape.” A scoff. Fuck, he was too tired for this (and the Slytherin knew for sure, the _bastard_ ). “I _am_ sorry. For... bullying you, that is. I’m not saying sorry for many things you deserved because you were an ass and a git, but… I was one, too, and I was outright horrible to you at times.”

He hadn’t looked at the man while saying that, but he lifted his gaze at the end. Snape had crossed his arms and had his brows furrowed as if James was something difficult to understand or a particularly disgusting bug. Or a combination of the two.

James sighed. “Listen here, I know apologies aren’t going to cut it, but that’s what you can get right now. I’ll prove I’m sorry through actions, ok? But now I just want to sleep.”

If disdain and distrust could have a face, it would be Severus Snape’s at that moment. But the circles under his eyes spoke of tiredness, too, and if James could exploit anything to finally have some rest, he’d do it.

“Why don’t you stay the night?”

Oh. He hadn’t planned on saying that, but whatever, he wouldn't go back on his word, never back down in front of Snape. Who looked as surprised as James felt. Well then, definitely tired if he was letting it show so clearly. Time to press the advantage.

“Take the room opposite to Lily’s. Up the stairs left, then on your left.”

Suspicion was back in full force on the Slytherin’s face. “Why would you suggest that, Potter? So you can prove your good intentions? Are you really going to use your wife as a… a peace offering or another means to say you’re sorry? To what extent? Or is it so you can rub in my face all that you have with her as the two of you cuddle up together while I’m just a door away?”

Uh, it looked like it was time for everyone to say things they didn’t mean to, as Snape ended his rant by pressing his lips together and closing his eyes, his expression the picture of “please, earth, open up and make me disappear from existence”. James wanted to be angry, he _was_ angry with Snape for what he’d insinuated about Lily as ‘a peace offering’ (and the last part had definitely rubbed him the wrong way), but he didn’t have enough energy.

“Neither. Listen, Lily should sleep through the night with the potion, but if she wakes up she’ll need someone close enough to help her calm down. You did fairly well last night, so I trust you can do it again.” Yeah, making it sound like a challenge and not a request would work better. _Good job on that, brain._ “I won’t sleep with her.” Eyebrows shot up, black eyes disbelieving. “I won’t. Not tonight. Today's been heavy and tomorrow won’t be any better. I need to be there for her, but I can’t do it if I’m exhausted, so I need rest. And if I take a potion to sleep tonight, I can’t be there to help her if she wakes. So I’m staying out of the way, and trusting you with this. It’s not some machination, it’s practicality.”

Seconds ticked by as Snape studied him. James expected him to shout or sneer, then barrel out slamming the door. Instead what he got was “Where would you sleep?”

Too dazed to respond verbally, he pointed at the couch. He just stood there as Snape nodded then moved away and into the kitchen. A light thump of something on wood, next, steps towards the stairs. Then came the voice again.

“Potions on the table, Potter. Don’t exceed, I’m not dealing with accusations of murdering you. Goodnight.”

The brisk tone finally shook him, and James looked towards the already vacated stairs.

_Goodnight?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Look who's not dead! Sorry for the long wait, real life and writer block decided to intervene. THIS IS NOT ABANDONED!
> 
> Here we go! No particular warnings for this chapter.

The next day started with a pillow thrown at his face and someone swearing under their breath.

“Merlin’s bollocks, Prongs!”

Well, that was Sirius all right.

James gave a soft groan while trying to remember what he’d done to piss off his best friend. It should have been a good prank since it seemed Sirius had gone through the trouble of even transfiguring his bed into something horribly lumpy. And he knew how soft his four poster bed at Hogwarts was. Or how larger his bed with Lily was. His eyes sprang open. They weren’t in school anymore. The events of the last days came back to him at once and he groaned louder.

Another pillow hit him.

“What, Pads?” he asked irritably, sitting up and reaching blindly for his glasses. He wasn’t expecting to have a good day, but he wouldn't have minded an explanation for that treatment first thing in the morning.

“When we woke up we went to check on you, _like the good friends we are,_ Prongs.” Sirius towered above him, and narrowed his eyes at James rolling his behind the spectacles, but carried on. “We went to the bedroom set up for you and Lily, but there was only her there. Fine, Moony’d said you could’ve needed some space, and we understand, _like the good friends we are_. So we went to check the last bedroom.” Oh, that didn’t bode well. “And guess what we find? Fucking _Snivellus_ sleeping in there!” Sirius looked rather red in the face and James was sure the only thing keeping him from outright shouting or running upstairs to kick Snape awake was Remus’s hand on his shoulder. “And here you are sleeping on the couch. And not surprised at all. Which means Moony was probably right and you _knew_ , hell, have you _invited him to stay?!_ Why, Prongs? Why letting fucking Snivellus fucking sleep in the fucking bed upstairs, with you on the fucking couch?!”

Sirius had never much cared for keeping his speech clean, save some important occasions (and at times, not even those), but a similar amount of swearing coupled with clenched fists and a look in his eyes that promised painful maiming should’ve been considered frightening.

James was wondering how to respond to that (while silencing his brain that, of all things, had decided to focus on why there was so much fucking going round Snape, according to Sirius’s rant, which _just no, brain. No. Yuck_ ) when a drawl captured everyone’s attention.

“Hadn’t I heard you howl the other night, I’d say your Animagus form to be an elephant, Black, for all the grace you have entering or leaving a room.”

Three heads turned towards the bottom of the stairs, where Snape stood with his arms crossed and his hair tied back. _Uh?_

“Though that’d hardly be practical in England.”

James didn’t know what clicked in his sleep addled mind, but a chuckle escaped him. And then he was off, laughing so hard he was bent in half and in risk of toppling off the sofa. Through tears he saw Snape staring blankly at him, Remus trying to suppress a smile and Sirius looking completely gobsmacked. Maybe he’d also been a little less red-faced, but that changed when James managed to raise his arm to point at him drunkenly. His expression then was enough to throw James into another fit.

“Lupin, I’d care for a cup of tea before dealing with the descent into madness or the likely explosion of either of your companions. Think that is manageable?”

Sirius’s eyes cut coldly to Snape at that, but Remus waved him off and simply said “This way, Severus” before leading into the kitchen.

James in the meantime had successfully returned his breathing to a reasonable pattern and wiped his tears. He looked up to meet Sirius’s hard gaze and sighed.

“We were all tired, Pads. And you’re right, I needed the space, but I also wanted someone to be there for Lily in the chance she woke up with all of us under potions.” 

Sirius seemed to deflate at that. Still “But why _Snape_?”

James shrugged. “He was there. And I’ve told you, he was there the other night, too, and he’d helped her stay calm.” He then grimaced slightly thinking that Snape too hadn’t had any sleep the previous night and then had had to go without a sleeping potion as they all had instead. Well, too late now. Sirius gave him a sympathetic look, probably thinking the grimace being about Snape hugging Lily. Whatever.

The smell of bacon then invaded the room, making them both smile a little and hurry towards the kitchen.

 

Breakfast was awkward, but not terrible.

Remus made sure to provide everyone with copious amounts of tea, toast, bacon and eggs. And fruit, even though it was vastly ignored. Snape kept to himself, not above hiding behind his cup if nobody called him on that. Sirius gorged himself and seemed in higher spirits, never once glancing over to the Slytherin.

They were mostly finished and were debating what to do, when the wards fluttered.

Everyone was immediately alert. The silence was tense as the feeling of the wards being probed drifted through the air.

“Who knows we’re here?” James’s tone was steely as he voiced the question they were all thinking about.

His friends shook their heads. No one. Snape frowned before saying “Dumbledore”. “Keyed in” was the immediate answer.

There was then a momentary feeling of breeze on skin perceived by everyone in the room. A second after came a shout that made Sirius’s eyes go incredibly wide.

“Hey, in the house! I know there’s someone in there! Lupin? Sirius? Anyone? I come in peace!”

Sirius turned to stare disbelievingly at the front door. “Reg?”

Snape was gritting his teeth. “Indeed.”

James shared a look with Remus. “Think he’s telling the truth? Why would he be here?”

The werewolf shrugged, though there was tension in his entire form. “Only one way to find out.”

They moved quickly but carefully towards the door, Remus closer to the frame on the right, peering out, Snape at his back. James stayed on the left with Sirius, gripping his friend’s arm as his breathing became irregular and laboured.

“It’s really him” Remus whispered, a note of shock in his voice. He shook his head before moving to stay clear of the door frame and casting a Sonorus to amplify his voice.

“Regulus Black.” Through the portion of wall James had magicked to let him look out, he saw the man in the field freeze as his name was actually called from the cottage. “Why have you come to my house?”

The younger Black began to move his wand up as if towards his throat for the same spell, then likely rethinking his movements he pocketed it, before raising his hands in a surrendering gesture. He then shouted. “Remus Lupin! As I said, I come in peace. I’d like to speak to you without shouting for all the world to hear. I am disarmed!”

“He has his wand in his pocket” hissed James.

Remus had removed the Sonorus to whisper back. “Fair enough, but I have an idea about that if we want to talk with him. Should we, though? I mean, why is he here? How did he find this place?” The last part had been directed at Snape mostly, who glared at the werewolf. 

“I don’t know why he’s here, and I’ve certainly not leaked information on where we are” was the acid comeback. 

Sirius then seemed to shake away enough of his shock to bark out “Why should we trust you, Snape? Dumbledore may say you’re a spy for us, but what if it’s the other way around? You’re a fucking Death Eater, that’s what you are. And the day after you’ve slept here, another _loyal follower_ of the Dark comes knocking at the door. A bit suspicious, right?”

Snape answered through gritted teeth. “It wasn’t possible for me to let anyone know of this location, even unconsciously. The Headmaster kept some of my memories throughout yesterday and gave them back only after there was no chance of leakage.”

That got him a raised eyebrow from James and Remus, but only a scoff from Sirius. “Please, you want us to believe that? And how convenient is it that the only one who could confirm your story isn’t here now?”

It was true that there was no guarantee Snape wasn’t lying, but on the other hand James could now imagine Dumbledore doing that if he thought it was the best course of action. 

In the end it didn’t matter, as the decision was took out of James’s hands when Remus sighed “Sirius’s right, Severus. Expelliarmus!” As a wand flew into the hand of the werewolf and a bewildered Snape looked ready to pounce, a swift “Immobilus” followed the first charm. “I am sorry, but we can’t trust you, Severus. And frankly, if Regulus is not alone we might need a bargain chip.” A corner of his mouth twitched up, but there was no humour in his eyes. “You could even keep your cover intact this way, you know, as a captured Death Eater and not a _guest_.”

“We might need a wand on our side more, if Regulus really has brought friends.” James felt he had to point out.

“Not if it fires at our backs.” Well, couldn’t argue with that. “Go wake Lily, Prongs, she’ll stay by the floo to call for reinforcements or flee while we take the front of the house.” Oh. It looked like Remus had already a plan in his head.

James nodded and sprinted towards the stairs: if a battle had come to their doorsteps, they’d better be ready for it.

* * *

Sirius watched dazed as James ran upstairs and Remus levitated Snape towards the kitchen, where he tied him to a chair with conjured ropes. The Slytherin was glaring daggers, but Sirius hardly saw it. They were readying themselves for battle, there was no mistaking it. A battle against Regulus and whoever else might be out there.

Why did it have to be Reg? If it was an attack, did it really have to be his brother bringing up the front? Of course they could be playing exactly on that, on the fact that he would let his brother in to talk.

But what was there to talk about? Sirius had had little hope for Regulus ever since he was sorted into Slytherin, then even less as he began wishing to follow Voldemort at 14. A year after Sirius had left his damned family home, his brother had joined the growing rows of the Death Eaters. The only thing then left to hope for was that they wouldn't have to kill each other. _But now…_

Sirius snapped out of his thoughts as Lily and James thumped downstairs.

The redhead seemed unfazed by the sight of Snape tied to a chair, her entire focus on the front of the house. “How many for real? You need me to cover for you from a window upstairs?” Man, but the fight brought out the best in her (besides apparently the kind of best only James got to see, but then that couldn't very well count for Sirius, _non?_ ).

Remus was shaking his head. “No, there are either gonna be very few or too many for us. We need you by the floo so you can call for help or run and tell the Order.” Lily frowned heavily at feeling sidelined, so Remus added “Please. It’s our best plan right now and we’ve already lost too much time.” She narrowed her eyes at him, but nodded, even though she mumbled as she made her way to the hearth about where they could shove their idea about her running away. Heh, Prongs had found himself a fierce one.

Remus was already marching back to the front door, directing with his hand James towards the window and Sirius at his own back, as he had cast the Sonorus again and was saying “Regulus Black, if you want to be granted entrance, first use your wand to create a strong wind all around you and the house.”

...What?

Sirius regarded his friend as if he’d gone suddenly crazy, but the tall man simply tapped his nose and ear. Ohhh, clever. The spell was inconspicuous enough, but heightened hearing and smell could pick up on what was not visible. They all concentrated on the outside, but as the wind finally died down no one had noticed anything amiss.

Remus went on. “Now your wand can pass through the protective spell. Drop it inside the barrier.”

There was silence from outside, until a resounding “what?!” was heard.

Sirius couldn't blame his brother: it did sound as if casting some random wind spell allowed your wand passage. Highly unusual and probably foolish. In reality, the wards had shifted as Remus spoke, much like they’d done the evening before to let Snape through.

“Your wand is allowed through the barrier, drop it inside. I won’t repeat myself again.”

They all waited tensely as Regulus, suspicion written all over his face, slowly pushed his wand through the wards until his hand was met with resistance. A long second later, fingers opened and the wand fell out of its owner reach and towards the grass.

Before it could even touch the ground, Remus was out of the door and casting. Sirius’s eyes darted around looking for threats as his friend immobilised his brother and ran spells around the area and on the Slytherin to make certain they weren’t in danger. Finally, the signal that everything was all right came. 

Drawing a breath, Sirius slid out of the house, leaning against the door frame as Remus started manually patting down Regulus where he stood outside the barrier. Now that he could see clearly, he’d say his brother was looking a bit… haggard.

When their eyes met, Reg’s lip curled up.

“Ah, there you are, brother.”

Sirius felt all air leave him. _Well, guess you can find something new that can hurt you everyday._

“We haven’t been brothers for years now, have we?”

Yes, stick to cheeky remarks. It wasn’t like it wasn’t true, since his parents had cut him out of the family.

A grin that was more tired eyes and sadness spread across Reg’s face.

“And since when do you care about official labels?”

Sirius’s eyes went wide. He might have not cared, but Regulus, well, Regulus had _always_ followed their parents’ rules and expectations. This was an olive branch if Sirius had ever seen one, but it was so unexpected that he didn’t know how to react.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to. Remus had finished his search coming out empty handed, save for a folded newspaper, and now seemed set on getting some answers.

“Why have you come here?”

“I think you might know where Snape is.”

Remus blinked, then his brows furrowed. “Why would you want to know that?”

Slowly, as not to startle anyone, Regulus took back the still folded newspaper and waved it lightly.

“To warn him. I’m not the only one looking for him.”

Well, wasn’t that ominous?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, in case it wasn't clear from the tags, Regulus is alive in this. We'll get to why later on.
> 
> On a side note, I think I'll update the tags and/or the summary and beginning notes after some very unexpected comments about this including rape (which, no) and being death eater apologetic (still no, I'd say, though maybe that's up for interpretation, I don't really know what would qualify. But hello? Snape's one of the main characters, up there in the tags, don't like him, don't read this. And now we have Regulus too, so really, this isn't gonna be just good guys vs. bad guys, it's a mess, though they'll try and set it somewhat alright).
> 
> That's it, I hope not to leave you waiting too much for next chapter. Plot will advance and explanations be given, I swear!


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